But, here’s the thing: everyone has a different 'model of the world' and, while you are doing the best you can with all of your available resources, so is everyone else, and the models can and do conflict.
So, I’m asking you to continue writing in your journal, and to notice when you may be about to self-sabotage. That’s right: self-sabotage!
So what are the reasons that we might self-sabotage?
I’ve taken these from a book called The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. He says that we all have an upper limit problem and that there are usually four hidden barriers to achieving more success. Now, I know that you have just moved from The Discovery to The Acceptance and will be moving on to The Next Chapter soon. You have been successful in the first move and are about to find even more success by moving on to The Next Chapter. Whatever you are doing and whatever stage you are at these four hidden barriers are there. So you might as well know about them as they will probably be what you use to do the self-sabotage.
1. The feeling of being fundamentally flawed.
2. Disloyalty and abandonment.
3. Believing that more success brings a greater burden.
4. The crime of outshining.
1. Feeling fundamentally flawed
This is the feeling that you can’t expand to be the greatest you can be because you are fundamentally flawed. So when you grow and feel you can be even more successful in life there’s always that little voice saying that you shouldn’t be this happy because there’s something wrong with you. This means that you have conflict in your mind - part of you thinks you can do it and part of you thinks that you can’t. The answer to this is to just call that voice an upper limit bug and not to accept it as it is false.
Be in charge of your journey and be mindful that other people may have given you this flaw and throw it out. Say "thanks very much but it no longer serves me".
2. Disloyalty and abandonment
"I can’t be the best I can be because that means that I would end up alone. I would be untrue to my upbringing and leave behind the people from the past."
Maybe you feel that you are not meeting your parents' expectations or have broken a set of rules that you grew up with. This means that you will think there is a cost to moving forward. This is also associated with guilt and a yo-yoing between success and self-punishment. You may notice that the people that you have associated with in the past may say “Who does she think she is?” Just thank them and find yourself some supportive people who are excited for your future.
3. Believing more success means a bigger burden
This often goes back to a time in the past where we have been successful and it has created problems. For instance maybe if you did well in school your parents had to find money to send you to a different school. Or maybe passing exams or being good at school meant that you got picked on or bullied and gave you a burden that you could not cope with.
4. The crime of outshining
This goes like this. “I can’t expand to my full potential because I would outshine xxx and make them look or feel bad.” It often affects gifted people who were stopped or stopped themselves from shining or enjoying their success. I certainly have experienced this myself when I passed my exams well and I was told that my sibling would be upset if I said too much. I’ve only recently got rid of this - it had been stopping me from being a success doing what I was passionate about!
So when you change and move forward any of these may kick in. I expect that now you know this you can spot this in your past and will be able to notice it in the future. And you may have more than one of them!
Recognising and accepting that these things happen are the first step towards getting rid of the fundamental flaws. Ask yourself whether the beliefs are true or false and move forward in that knowledge. Help from an NLP coach may be needed if you keep banging against these flaws when you try and move forward.
Remember, you are a person who deserves to be who she wants to be. Go for it!