Often in everyday life, in the media and from my clients, I hear the words “I don’t know how to give her an orgasm” or “he cannot give me an orgasm.” It certainly appears to be more often the case that men think they ought to know how to supply women with orgasms, and many women have become expecting of men to give them orgasms.
So are orgasms something given to us or something we can - just like that - give to others ?
I think it is a shame that many people, especially women, believe this to be very much the case. And I am not sure where this belief comes from ... expecting someone else to press all our buttons and figure out how, when, or what and how much we like? If we were talking about anything else but sex we will surely protest and declare that we know what we like and how we like it ... our food, our clothes, our holidays, etc.
Don’t get me wrong, men are not completely innocent when it comes to sharing what they want and like sexually. The difference, in my opinion, is that most men do know what they like sexually but do not share their desires. On the other hand, most women get stuck at the first hurdle of not knowing what they like sexually for fear of trying to figure out what they might, or might not, enjoy.
So, while we are not always sure what we want - we expect our lovers to know exactly how, when and where to touch us and even have the intuition to know when not to touch us! Does this sound familiar and even somewhat of a paradox ?
I often say that “we are individually responsible for our own pleasure and our own orgasms” and this usually results in a few raised eyebrows. What I mean here is that we need to start with ourselves and find out our own likes and dislikes. We need to learn what turns us on, and off, and then share this delicate information with our lovers - because no one is a mind reader and none of us are born with an instinct to know what another likes sexually.
The myths of “good girls don’t tell and don’t ask for what they want” and “men should know how to please their partner” should be replaced by “if I don’t know, how can I tell?” and “if I don’t tell how will I ever realise my sexual potential or get much pleasure out of sex?”
So ... the choice is yours !