This question always brings a smile to my face but it also makes me wonder. As a psychotherapist seeing people with sexual difficulties one of the many questions I ask (and sometimes I do ask a lot of questions) is who would be their ideal sexual partner. My clients usually become silent and give me a long look of not being sure what I am asking them.
Some clients ask me to clarify the question by asking me what I mean by that question. I think that some of them might even think that it is a trick question or that there is a right or wrong answer. Some clients are very sure about the question and respond by saying “You mean like George Clooney, Brad Pitt or Halle Berry, Charlize Theron?”
These responses make me smile and wonder how we have all somehow got lost in the idea what media wants us to believe is the idea of attractive, sexy and beautiful. Of course if they are successful, wealthy and always in the newspapers and magazines that means that makes them more sexually potent?! Even going further with this, that somebody who meets those criteria would make us feel a certain way and that a sexual encounter with such person would somehow be mind- blowing.
So OK, let’s explore this a bit further....first of all let’s agree there is no perfect or ideal sexual partner. What I mean by that is that no one person can encompass the perfection because the perfection does not exist. Some people are universally excepted as being beautiful, attractive, sexy, etc, but even there people differ. If I had to choose, I would much rather have a romantic dinner with Bruce Springsteen then Brad Pitt (but enough about my fantasy) and I am sure all of you have your personal preferences and daydreams.
The question I ask my clients is what is your ideal sexual encounter and how would you feel with that person. It is not about what that person looks like (but it could also be that) and not necessarily how they make us feel but it is much more about how we feel at that moment in time. So, for some people it is about smells and sounds around them, about how and where they are touched, kissed or stimulated. Of course, we should never forget that it is also about the interaction between two people and feeding the sexual pleasure from each other.
So, next time you read a magazine with title of “who is you perfect sexual partner?” you can just smile in the knowledge that ” beautiful people” do not equal fantastic sex. The beauty of good sexual experience is knowing what you want and need and sharing that with your sexual partners.