My wife lets me have affairs
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"Now, more than at any other time, we need to adopt a more flexible approach to coupledom. Yet as the world allows for increasingly autonomous lifestyles, we tighten the reins on our spouses. We give our partners curfews, DIY lists and we arrange their diaries"

By Helen Croydon. First appeared in the Mail online 8th April, 2013.
'My wife lets me have affairs': One 'happily' married man defends unusual arrangement (which sees him juggling TEN other women)...
• Grahame Tamsett, 67, and his wife Sandra, 58, claim they are happily married
• Grahame uses dating websites with the blessing of his wife
• He is currently seeing 10 women for no-strings sex
• Says he 'thinks the world of his wife' but women 'lose interest in sex'
• Maintains many couples would stay together if they allowed cheating

What would you do if you couldn’t keep up with your partner’s sex drive? One happily married man tells Helen Croydon why his wife lets him use a marital affair dating site.

Grahame Tamsett, 67, and his wife Sandra, 58, enjoy walking, gardening at their home near Maidstone in Kent, holidays in the sun and days out with their seven grand children. It sounds like the idyllic life of many middle-aged couples.

Grahame is retired but Sandra still works part time in their family business of care homes. They have been together for twenty-five years and married for ten. Both have two children from previous marriages.

And they have one modern marital agreement that most couples would never accept: Grahame uses adult dating websites for flings and affairs, with the full blessing of his wife.

Grahame says: 'My wife is into other things. She is grandkids-mad and likes shopping. To be blunt. she isn’t that interested in sex anymore. Lots of women go off sex as they get older.

'They go through the menopause and their bodies change and it’s not their fault. Men and women are very different. Men’s brains don’t change. We still think about sex every minute of the day even when we get older.

'We both respect we are into different things so she turns a blind eye to me putting adverts online for casual flings. I used to use lonely hearts ads in newspapers then two years ago I heard about a website where married people openly look for an affair. It’s full of people like me.

'We are great friends and great friends give and take. I give my wife anything she wants whenever she wants. I take her on holiday to anywhere she likes. Sometimes she goes away with the grandkids. I keep asking her if she wants a new car but she’s happy with her old banger.

'I think the world of my wife and I want to stay with her. I’m a very lucky man because I know most women wouldn’t like what I do. But then most men are liars. I never lie to anyone.'

Grahame logs on daily to, a dating website which advertises itself as ‘a dating arena for those looking for extramarital relations.’ It has more than 650,000 members in the UK. Grahame arranges one or two new dates a month.

He currently juggles a staggering ten temporary lovers around his schedule.

Grahame explains: 'I don’t see them all the time obviously. I’m not a stud I’m 67! Some I only see a couple of times a year. I arrange more than that because often they don’t materialise. Sometimes women chicken out at the last minute – I think they just like the fantasy.

'Things start off with a few emails back and forth. Then we exchange pictures. I always drive to meet them, choosing a pub half way between us. I’ll travel anywhere really. There’s one woman in Leeds who I see every few months. I stay overnight at her house. She is a single mother of 55 and calls me whenever she fancies company.

'The first date is usually just a drink to take the pressure off. Women can be hesitant at first until they get to know and trust someone. If we want to take anything further we’ll arrange a second date. Sometimes we will book a hotel or if she is single I will stay with her.'

'I think the world of my wife and I want to stay with her. I’m a very lucky man because I know most women wouldn’t like what I do. But then most men are liars. I never lie to anyone.'

'We talk about all sorts of things - work, hobbies and of course what we want. I’m always upfront that I’m married and want some no strings fun. I always pay the way and occasionally I’ll buy a small gift if I know her well. Sometimes we go for dinner but I’ve never taken anyone on holiday because most of the time the women can’t get away,' Grahame says.

Even though Grahame’s wife knows about his penchant for no-strings encounters he makes sure he isn’t unnecessarily crass about his activities and doesn’t log onto the cheating site if she’s in the room.
'I don’t rub her nose in it. When I go on a date I just say I’m going out. But if she asks where I never lie,' he says

But when Grahame stays the night with one of his love interests he has to be clear that it’s a date.

It’s a common assumption that men enjoy casual sex more than women.

Perhaps that’s why there are six times as many men on the site than women and it’s free for women.

In that case what would make any woman seek a non committal fling with a 67 year-old only interested in sex?

Grahame has his own theory: 'Women aren’t sex maniacs like men. I think they go on the site because they feel trapped at home. The one thing they have in common is that they have kids.
'A lot are single mums so they can’t go out much or they don’t want a relationship to interfere with the kids. Some are married and they say their husband doesn’t take them out or compliment them anymore. They are bored and in a rut.

'Men would probably meet someone different every night of the week if they could. But for women it’s an occasional escape. That’s why I always say to them to give me a ring when they can get away. I am retired so I am usually free at short notice.

'I enjoy chatting and getting to know people too. Some of women I’ve met have become platonic friends. That’s nice too. I can’t go out with all of them!'

Grahame doesn’t intend to stop using marital affair websites and isn’t remotely phased by his age. He even suggests that some marriages end needlessly because couples can’t tolerate affairs.

'In any relationship after ten or twenty years you stop fancying them. Lots of couples split up on a bad note because one of them cheats. There’s no need to turn love to hate. I don’t want to make any enemies so I don't hide anything. In my previous marriage I went with other women but I had to lie about it. I didn’t feel good about that.

'All of our family and friends know what I do. Not all agree with it but they are probably jealous. My male friends say lucky you. Most men would like to do what I do but they don’t know how to approach it. My wife likes chocolate but I don’t.  'That doesn’t mean I say she shouldn’t eat chocolate. We don’t have to like the same things. Lots of people think love should involve sex but it doesn’t. As long as I don’t bring trouble home and no one I see turns up on the doorstep it’s alright.




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