Recently one of my clients asked me what orgasm feels like as she was not sure if she had ever experienced one. This is not an uncommon question for women to ask but the answer is more complex and needs some consideration.
I did answer her by saying that people have been trying to categorise and summarise orgasm for a very long time but the truth is that orgasm is a very individual experience and as such we might all experience it in a different way. Some people describe it as a tensing of the muscles in their body or letting go/losing control or feeling like a wave of ecstasy coming over them.
Of course, orgasm is another area of our sexuality that is so often debated in the media and there appears to be an ever increasing pressure on us to “have” them. But, as with many things in life the media promotes the concept of “one not being enough” and that multiple and different variations of orgasms are, by and large, the norm in everyday life.
So, the debate widens and gets more confusing for men and women alike.
Questions like “What does orgasm feels like?”, “Can everybody have them?”, “What is the difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasm?” are common. Regarding multiple orgasms, “How do I achieve them?” is by far the most common question and even the query “How about breast orgasm?” crops up from time to time! And women are not the only ones getting confused. Men ask if they can have an orgasm without ejaculating and if that constitutes a better quality orgasm.
As an individual and a sex therapist I firmly believe that everybody has a potential to experience an orgasm but that does not necessary mean that they automatically do. So, why can some people freely orgasm and why do some find it difficult? There are many factors of course like being able to relax and let go, feeling comfortable about one’s sexuality, and our partner relationships are all important aspects to consider.
But I also feel that sex is not, and should not be, only about pursuing orgasms. Enjoying yourself sexually is the main thing and sex should be all about enjoyment and pleasure. Putting too much pressure on ourselves and our partners will only result in frustration and a feeling of failure.
If you are really keen to explore this area further and achieve an orgasm then I think you need to start with yourself. One needs to go back to basics and spend some time exploring one’s body; what we like and enjoy. Using hand or erotic tools as well as fantasy or erotic books and films will all help to stimulate our senses and get us on our way to the big O.
I wish you fun in exploration!