We all grow up with beliefs about ourselves and others. We all have had different memories and experiences and we all have different things that are important to us. And that, sometimes, makes it difficult to understand other people especially those who you have had a relationship with and feel let down by. It can be useful to write down what you believe about love and relationships.
Here’s something to do:
Make a list of what you believe about love and relationships. Maybe you'd have things on it such as:
• Love should last forever.
• You should stick at a relationship no matter what happens.
• If someone is unfaithful that means they don't love me.
• You can't trust anyone that has been unfaithful.
• You can solve anything by talking.
• If you get married that should be for life.
• I am in charge of my relationships.
And many more beliefs... but here's the thing: none of these are right or wrong they are just what you believe. They are your reality no one else's.
If you asked friends or family or a stranger they might have different ones or even the same ones. It’s not something we spend time thinking about but it is a very useful thing to do after The Discovery.
You can write in your journal and learn many more things about yourself and other people.
Now take your list and split your beliefs into those that are empowering and beliefs that are limiting and unhelpful in the situation that you are in.
Reflecting on where these beliefs have come from can be very enlightening. Perhaps they have come from your parents, your teachers, your religion or spiritual thoughts, your friends or your experiences. And your partner, husband or wife (whoever has been unfaithful) may have different beliefs and different experiences. Perhaps you have talked about your differences in the past?
If you return to your list of limiting beliefs you can undertake the following exercise and notice your thoughts as you do so. The lists and the reflections could be in your journal as a record of how you are moving on.
Choose a significant limiting belief from your list and do the following:
• Ask yourself where it has come from.
• Ask yourself whether it supports your life at the moment and does it help you get good results and move forward.
• Ask yourself what else you could think that would be more positive.
• Write down that positive belief and look at it and say it to yourself on a regular basis.
• Take time for it to embed and journal about the differences that you are noticing.
• Use the positive support that surrounds you to discuss any issues that come up if that
would be useful. And remember, you are included in the list of positive support resources!
Remember it takes at least 21 days to form a new habit so say and read this new belief as much as you can in that time.
Let me give you an example.
One of my clients had a limiting belief that "no one loves me". She recognised that this belief had come from a series of events in her childhood where she felt second best. She recognised that this belief was not empowering and that she could change this belief and came up with this: "I have many people who support and love me."
She said this to herself many times a day and also discussed this change of belief with those who did love and support her. It enabled her to realise that her new belief was very powerful and she decided that she would believe this instead of the old belief.
When you have identified your empowering beliefs write them down in your journal, on your screensaver, on a large piece of paper that you can see regularly. You can also say them, tell your positive support people about them, and tell them to yourself in the mirror. Have some fun!
Also catch yourself when you do your limiting beliefs and give yourself a talking to - I often do this in the mirror!