Three questions not to ask yourself when he leaves you
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"Truth is, asking him 'why' won't tell you very much. Partly because he won't want to discuss it, having made the decision to move on he won't be into internal rumination. Partly because all you will get is his own justification. But mostly because, when you get down to it, nobody ever knows why. Most of us, most of the time, don't know why we do things. If he doesn’t know why, how can you ever know why?"
If you are a woman scorned there is a whole array of feelings and emotions that you can go through as you deal with your situation. You will, eventually, not only move on with your life but also flourishingly move forward into different, better and more 'you' things!
 
But, oh, that initial shock, that early phase of wondering what happened. Inevitably there is a phase of questioning, investigating, trying to understand the incomprehensible. This is normal – by trying to understand what has happened to you, you feel you get some measure of control over cataclysmic events. 
 
While this investigative phase is understandable it is possible to get stuck there. If, ten years on from the break-up, you are still trying to work out what went wrong that means you have spent ten years stuck in the past. So to save you months or years of internal wondering and self-examination, here are three questions NOT to ask yourself after the break-up.
 
1. WHY. 'Why' is often, even in the best of times, a pointless question to ask. If you ask someone 'why', what you get back from them is a reason or an excuse or a justification. They will immediately want to justify what they have done and come up with a reason that is totally logical...and possibly totally wrong.
 
Truth is, asking him 'why' won't tell you very much. Partly because he won't want to discuss it, having made the decision to move on he won't be into internal rumination. Partly because all you will get is his own justification. But mostly because, when you get down to it, nobody ever knows why. Most of us, most of the time, don't know why we do things. If he doesn’t know why, how can you ever know why?
 
Yes, you can ask a rhetorical ‘why’, just don’t expect an answer.
 
2. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? Like 'why', this may be ultimately unknowable. Maybe you didn't do anything wrong. Maybe it was just the way it was meant to be. Maybe the pair of you were not a good fit, a mismatch and other than that there was nothing wrong. Maybe you married a psychopath. Who knows.
 
Over the course of time you will be able to be analytical about the relationship should you choose to be. With the passage of time you get more perspective and you can see how you allowed certain things to happen, triggered or tolerated certain behaviours – human behaviour is infinitely complex. Eventually, you may perceive what responsibility you had in the relationship, but early on asking 'what did I do wrong?' is demoralising and self-defeating. Save the question for later when you can ask 'what was my responsibility in that relationship?'
 
3. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? This is a variation of the second question, but with less self-blame attached. You hope that if you can analyse it enough, if you can understand the mechanism of the breakdown of your relationship, you will feel a bit better. You may focus on your ex, how his feelings changed, what he did and you'll want to catalogue the disintegration of your relationship in forensic detail. 
 
However, all the analytics in the world won't change your feelings. Your ex will be incomprehensible to you at this stage (and possibly for evermore). Don't get dragged down this rabbit hole of thinking.
 
While you have every right to be sad/angry/disillusioned, endless questioning of how you got to where you are now will not serve you at this stage. Your most powerful question is going to be ‘what should I do next?!’
 
 
 
 

 

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